You, Me, and Baby
by Niham
Summary: It takes a village to raise a child...or in the case of Ichigo and Rukia's infant son, the Gotei 13. A series of giggly Ichiruki/baby drabbles. R&R please.
1. Renji: War Paint

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You, Me, and Baby

**A/n:** This series was suggestioned by a reviewer who asked that I put my Ichirukia/baby drabbles in one collection, instead of making each of them an individual fanfic (you know who you are, thanks for the idea!). Before I forget Raijin is a demon thunder god from Japanese mythology, and **is not** the baby's name. I don't know if I'll even name him. Read and Review please!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach.

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War Paint

He did it partially out of curiosity and partially out of boredom, but mostly because he didn't know what to do with a baby in the first place. In Renji's mind, leaving her eight month old son in his care wasn't Rukia's best idea. For crying out loud, he knew nothing about burping, giggling, little babies. Hell, there were eight hundred page manuals on how to properly care for babies. At the least the brat was in a good mood, although he didn't seem to be much of a weeper anyways.

Propping the baby up on the counter, Renji rummaged through one of the draws in search of a drawing utensil. What was it called again? Oh, right 'eye' liner. Women wore it all the time around the rims of their eyes, but Renji had a more entertaining idea.

He finally found a black pencil with a chalky round tip. Perfect. "Hold still kid," he said, clamping a giant over a mop of orange hair. The baby didn't have eyebrows yet so Renji drew two abnormally long and angular lines above his little blue eyes; which made him look strangely aggressive.

He squirmed and grunted in protest. "Keep your diaper on, damn it!"Once Renji was finished with the eyebrows he began adding other jagged lines, tracing the black pencil across the tiny fleshy space on his forehead and along the border of his hair line.

After that, Renji took a step back to admire his handy work. The fake tattoos were crooked and uneven, and Renji decided that looked sort of like toothy black thunderbolts.

The baby patted his head, grunting and growling as the tickling sensation on his forehead slowly faded. He kicked the counter as Renji placed a pair of too-big, expensive sunglasses over the bridge of his nose.

"Aha!" Renji cried, lifting the baby high in the air. "It's Raijin, the Little Thunder God! May you grow up big and strong enough to kick your father's ass!"

"Renji, what are you doing?"

The sunglasses slipped off the baby's nose and clattered against the floor. Renji whirled around to find Rukia standing in the bathroom doorway, a bag of groceries under her arm.

He blinked. "R-Rukia…what the hell took you so long?"

Rukia shrugged. She was about to answer when she noticed the black lightning tattoos dancing across her son's face; the grocery bag quickly joined the sunglasses on the she didn't say anything, Renji shrugged, twirling the black pencil between his fingers. "Don't have heart attack, you dork. It's just war paint."

"War paint!" Rukia shrieked, snatching her son away. "You put make up on my baby's _face!" _Fuming, she shoved past him to the bathtub, twisted the silver knobs, and let out a flood of hot water.

Renji scratched his head. "I don't get it, what's the big deal? It's not like I used it in a girly way. I think the Little Thunder God looks kinda cool."

Rukia glared at him. "It _looks _like he has some exotic face eating disease, Renji," she said. "And _don't _call him that. Ichigo will kill you if he finds out. _I _should kill you for this!"

"Ichigo can kiss my ass," Renji muttered. He was an uncle, God damn it, and uncles like him were supposed to have special privileges for this kind of stuff. The baby screeched as Rukia scrubbed his forehead with a wet wash cloth, but the black stuff wouldn't come off. At last, she gave up. "Renji, which pencil did you use?"

Renji gave it to her and in return received and an even deadlier glare. "Renji," she said lowly. "This is _waterproof."  
_  
"So?"  
_  
"_You used _waterproof_ eye-liner to put fake tattoos on my son. If Ichigo sees that _his son _looks even somewhat like you, whom you have dubbed _Raijin _of all things, he'll kill you."

The threat hung in the air like a nasty smell. Damn it, she was right. Ichigo and his egotistical, fatherly pride. Little Ichigo's were supposed to look like Big, Stupid Ichigo's instead of Little Raijin Thunder Gods.

Uncle Renji tossed her a bar of thick yellow soap. "It comes off with soap, right?"


	2. Ukitake: Snacks!

**A/n:**I heart Ukitake and his snacks. Um, a HUGE thanks to Al May, my beta reader, and thanks to everyone who reviewed. That's pretty much all I have to say, except that I'm drawing names out of hats to see which Bleach character is next...R&R please!

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**Snacks**!

Ukitake was the Captain of the Thirteenth Division. He was a leader, teacher, and friend to many. So when Rukia's son was born, he was still considered a leader, advisor, and friend to both parents. As for the baby, well, at the moment he was sort of a sitter-slash-teacher, but Ukitake hoped that as the years went by he would always remain a guardian, friend, and counselor to the child.

He held up the bag of sugary treats, and asked, "Can you say, 'snacks?'"

The baby giggled. Ukitake noticed he did that a lot; he was an extraordinarily happy little person.

"Good enough for me." He cracked the bag open, took out a sticky pink square, bit it into a smaller chunk, and then popped the other piece into the baby's mouth.

It was quite amusing watching him gnaw on the pink blob, his cherubic face scrunched up while the candy dissolved on the flat of a plump tongue. A rope of brightly colored drool dripped down his chin.

"Now, can you say, 'Captain?'"

The baby made a high pitched sound and Ukitake popped another pink chunk into his mouth. "Good." It didn't matter whether or not the baby could actually speak or how silly Ukitake looked talking to a drooling infant. The point was to instill a sense of camaraderie, and of course to feed the baby snacks. Because everybody knew that babies loved snacks!

Next, Ukitake picked up the sheathed sword lying at his side. "Can you say zanpakuto?"

The baby blinked and gave him an uncertain look.

"You're right," said Ukitake, splitting a third square in half. "That word is a little too hard for you at this age. However, you should always try to master difficult things. If you never surpass the hard things in life, you will never grow stronger. So how about, 'shikai?' Can you say, 'shikai?'"

"Dah!"

"Good!"

"Ukitake-san?" Ichigo said from the door.

"Ichigo! Back so soon?"

"Yeah." Ichigo scratched his head. "What are you doing?"

"Why, educating of course!"

Well, Ukitake wasn't just teaching; he was beginning the relationship between student and mentor, and hopefully two friends (both of whom loved snacks). He popped one final pink blob between the baby's wet lips and smiled.

An early start was never a bad thing.


	3. Matsumoto: Paperwork Corruption

**A/N: **This is one of the very first ideas that I had for this drabble series. I just love Matsumoto. She's so much fun. Once again, thank you to eveyrone who reviewed. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions (and yes, those of you who made character suggestions, I will go through with it...it's just a matter of time). R&R!

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**Paperwork** **Corruption**

"Paperwork," Matsumoto said, sitting the baby in the middle of her of desk, "is an excruciatingly _boring _chore."

She reached up and plucked a single document from the peak of a looming paper tower. "So to make things a little more interesting, we'll make origami!" She folded the paper in half. "We just fold like this, this, and then like this...until finally— walla! A paperwork swan!"

Matsumoto held up a graceful swan whose wings were feathered in slender black font. The baby laughed in praise.

"Cute isn't he? Although we should probably give Mr. Swan a friend," Matsumoto said, snatching another unsigned document. And before she knew it, she had only half a tower of paperwork and a whole flock of swans.

Meanwhile the entire time, Rukia's baby was absorbed in a delightful fit of bubbling squeals. He kicked, he squirmed, he played; it was great fun. Honestly, Rukia couldn't have popped out a happier child. In fact, he was so exultant that his only resemblance to his father was that mop of orange hair (and perhaps his chin, nose, and occasional scowl too).

At some point, he kicked the remaining pile of unfolded files off the desk, creating a fluttering paper cloud that swallowed up most of the office. Matsumoto laughed anyways. She could clean it up later before her shift was finished.

"What is going on here?"

Her back went straight as a lightning rod. The baby stopped laughing and fell into an awestruck silence. "C-Captain," she stammered as her captain glanced at the papers on the floor, and then at the baby and Matsumoto's unusually large flock of swans. "I, uh…"

Man, she was really going to get it this time. She could see the muscle at the corner of his brow tighten. It was one thing to neglect her paperwork, but it was entirely another to turn 'important' documents into folded art.

Hitsugaya Toshiro folded his arms. "You're a Vice Captain with tremendous responsibilities to your division, and you're _babysitting_?" It was a curt, accusing tone.

Well, she wasn't really babysitting. It was more like, "Rukia, I'm kidnaping your son for the next three hours. Ha-ha, see ya!"

"Yeah…do you want help?"

"No!" He jabbed a finger at the swelling heap of origami. "We don't have time for screwing around. Clean this mess up and give Rukia back her son! "

Matsumoto promptly turned around in her seat. "Yes, sir!"

She was not the least bit unnerved by his yelling because Matsumoto knew that _if_ her Captain ever had children of his own, then she would vow to take the responsibility of corrupting, spoiling, and kidnaping them just like Rukia's bouncy baby boy.

Because practice made absolute perfection.


	4. Soi Fong: Ignorance vs Innocence

**A/N: **I can't help it. All babies love kitties. That's a fact. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and especially my beta (you know why).

R&R please!

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**Innocence vs. Ignorance**

Babies were selfish, evil little people. They constantly wailed and demanded attention, and there was certainly nothing cute nor innocent about Rukia's fat little tear bag. Of course Soi Fong was angry— the brat had _her_ Yoruichi-sama trapped in the stifling death embrace of two chubby arms!

Yoruichi, the poor feline, didn't seem to mind except for the fact that the air was being squeezed out of her lungs, and that those perfectly spherical green eyes were bulging and ready to pop out of her skull. The baby's mother seemed occupied in an important conversation with another Vice Captain, which left Soi Fong with only one option: save Yoruichi-sama at all costs!

Soi Fong pried, she pulled, she cursed; the baby just wouldn't let go. It was a long, noisy battle that involved a great deal of wailing, cursing, and painful howls. Had someone walked by they would have laughed at the sight of a Special Forces captain wrestling with a screaming orange haired infant, and the victimized cat that was caught in the middle. "Bad…baby! No!"

Finally, Soi Fong managed to free Yoruichi-sama who hopped away, gasping and bristling with annoyance. The child sobbed, reaching after Yoruichi.

Soi Fong lifted him in the air so that she could look directly into those wet blue eyes. "Let's get one thing straight, kid," she said harshly. "Yoruichi-sama is _not a house cat. _She is to be respected in the highest esteem at all times. Do you understand?"

The baby sniffed back a glob of snot. His chin trembled. He glanced at Yoruichi as she stalked away with a throbbing, bent up tail. The he hung his head and cried some more.

Something inside of Soi Fong softened. Maybe it was because Yoruichi was safe and out of harm's way, or perhaps it was because of some twisted womanly instinct. But quite possibly it was because Soi Fong understood exactly how the baby felt. The exalted Yoruichi-sama was to be admired and loved from a distance. She was untouchable and that in itself was enough to dampen the spirit.

Little Kurosaki had much to learn.

Soi Fong sighed, rolled her eyes, and lowered the baby. To think that she had something in common with such a selfish, loving, and somewhat cute little monster.


	5. Byakuya: Inky Curiosity

**A/n: **I was asked by several people to hurry up and do Byakuya (the biggest pain in my ass lately), so the awesome Al May did me a huge favor and gave me a prompt. Then voila! This little drabble was born. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, I appreciate your thoughts and ideas (I really do take them into consideration).

R&R please.

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**Inky Curiosit****y **

He kept telling himself that it was washable; that the extraordinarily _expensive _family heirloom could be cleaned. Although despite the number of trips to the dry cleaners, his nephew would still be teething the next day. It wasn't like Byakuya could just sit the baby down with a pile of toys either.

While Rukia and Ichigo were away taking care of this and that, the child _insisted _sitting upon his uncle's lap, where he had a clear view of a neat and organized desk. And no matter how many times Byakuya rearranged his young nephew, he still somehow managed to reach back, grab a fist full of scarf, and stick the soft, silky fabric into his mouth.

As if it _tasted _good.

So eventually, Byakuya had to take it off. Not that he was annoyed, it was just very difficult to present oneself in a dignified manner with drool spots strewn down the front of one's scarf.

Once the scarf was gone, the baby then occupied himself with Byakuya's paperwork. He slapped the flat of his tiny palm in the middle of the papyrus, smearing the moist text. Naturally, Byakuya called for a servant to bring a cloth so that he could wipe the sticky black liquid away. The incident did not repeat itself, although his nephew did try.

"I don't know where you learned these awful habits," Byakuya said, calmly stopping his nephew's hand from grabbing a rather important document. "But this is paperwork. It is to be filled out, completed, and turned in by exactly five o'clock in a somewhat decent condition."

The baby babbled in what sounded like delight, and he seemed more interested in the graceful strokes of Byakuya's brush than the lecture. He reached out and tried to pinch the wet, black tip."You are too curious," Byakuya said. "Someday it will get you into trouble."

When it did happen, there would be dozens of people willing to jump in and pull Young Kurosaki saefely out of the situation. Byakuya would be the first among them; he was positive that his promise to Hisana also applied to the well being of _her_ nephew too. Besides, Uncles had their own rules to follow when guarding the welfare of young, innocent nephews.

The baby looked up at him, grinned, and babbled freely as if to verbalize his discoveries in an unintelligible dialect. Someday, those basic syllables would evolve into words to express the bright, new ideas of a young mind. For the time being, he settled down, leaning back into a subtle but warm embrace. His foot kicked the side of the desk.  
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Thunk, thunk, thunk.  
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Two twinkling blue eyes slowly drooped.

_Thunk, thunk…thunk…  
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Byakuya felt his nephew's tiny chest heave a sudden, weary sigh.  
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Thunk…  
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When at last he was asleep, Byakuya called for a servant to take the child to more comfortable sleeping arrangements, but only after finishing the paperwork.


	6. Ichigo: Rejected Opinions

**A/n: **Some babies just hate baths...like my cousin. Shudders And every baby has a dark side...

Anyways, I felt the need for a little parental interaction, but I think I'll go onto Zaraki next. So thank you Al May and thank, thank you reveiwers! Sorry it took so long, I had to go to caucus on Saturday or my vote wouldn't have counted, and that threw a wrench in my fanfiction plans (but I'm happy I voted).

So, R&R please!

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**Rejected Opinions**

His son was normally a happy, well humored child, but come every night during bath-time he transformed into a screaming, red-faced devil. The screams and blubbering sobs filled the house, and it was a wonder that the neighbors had not come to investigate.

If it had not occur every night and if he had not been one-hundred-percent positive that Rukia was not harming their son, then Ichigo himself would have been concerned. For whatever reason, that baby just _hated _baths.

"There is no reason to cry," he heard Rukia's voice ring harshly over the screams. "It's just soap and water!"

The nice thing about bath time was that by the time Ichigo put his son to bed, the baby was so exhausted from screaming that he slept most of the night, a relief to both parents. They couldn't have been luckier to have been given such a happy little baby, but to be honest, infants were a lot of work.

"Sit down, baby," Rukia said and after a moment, "_Sit down!"_  
_  
_There was a splashand an even louder cry. Ichigo could almost visualize the vein throbbing at the corner of Rukia's brow. He was silently glad that it was her turn to bathe their infant son.

"Have fun?" he asked as Rukia (soaked to the bone in soapy warm water) marched out of the bathroom with a very wet and naked baby wrapped in an oversized towel.

She stopped, glared, and rolled her eyes. Then she muttered something that Ichigo couldn't quite catch before plopping the hysterical infant into Ichigo's lap. That was how it worked; one parent was in charge of the nightmare bath, while afterwards the other had to dress and calm the baby. It was a simple system but it was quite effective.

Both Ichigo and Rukia were now the fastest bath-givers in all three realms.

Still crying, the baby curled up against Ichigo, burying his face into Ichigo's shoulders. He seemed to cry, _Oh, Dad! She gave me a_ _bath!  
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Kneeling to the floor, Ichigo sighed. "Yeah, tell me about it," he said. "I'm the one who has to sleep with her."

"_Ichigo!_"

Ichigo cringed inwardly, and when nothing big and heavy came flying at his skull, he grabbed a blanket, diaper, and pair of pajamas. Laying the blanket out on the floor, he set his son on the soft fabric.

"Alright," he said, wiping his son dry with the towel. "That's enough drama. We go through this every single night. You should be used to it by now."

The baby stuck out his lower lip and made tearless whimper. "Don't give me that look." He fit the diaper on carefully and patted the bulge of his son's belly. "You're opinions are being rejected. Bath time is _not _an option."

And for the whining, pouting, and complaining that followed, Ichigo blamed Rukia entirely.


	7. Shunsui: Snooze you loose

A/N; This same thing happened to my uncle...sorry it's late. I got busy. Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I appreciate it very much. Hope you enjoy this one. It was fun to write. R&R please!

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Snooze You Loose

He had fallen asleep upon a patch of soft grass beneath the sakura tree, watching the mesmerizing motions of twirling pink petals. He had fallen victim to the quiet atmosphere of a lazy spring afternoon, while fat white clouds rolled across the sky, tumbling over one another among the warmth of a yellow sun.

It was a habit of his, to fall asleep somewhere— anywhere, really— and enjoy the afternoon quiet. And Shunsui was very much asleep when two little palms and two little knees padded over to his spot beneath the cherry tree.

Shunsui wasn't conscious enough to feel five tiny fingers tug at the sleeve of his haori; he let out a loud snore. There was a pause, and then a light slap on the shoulder followed by another loud snore.

The problem with sleeping is that it is very difficult to decipher between reality and dream. That was why Shunsui mistook the small weight on his shoulder as that of a curious, cute, and orange furred creature. Of course, he thought he was dreaming so there was no reason to chase the thing away.

But it was a baby that had crawled up to him. He had climbed partially onto his shoulder. Leaning in to examine the sleeping man's face.

A straw hat covered most of the sleeping man's face, shading his eyes from the sun's glare. His chest rose and fell, steadily inhaling and exhaling.

Curious, the baby lifted the straw hat and there was that thunderous noise, followed by a huge gust of hot air. As if driven by a sudden epiphany, the baby went, "Oh-ho," and tossed the hat aside.

The noise was coming from the man's nose!

To any adult, the discovery would seem silly, but adults had decades of experience and knowledge. Since everything was new to a mere scampering tot, learning simple wordly details were utterly fascinating. The baby then began to experiment. How could two tiny holes produce much such a large, noisy wind? Pinching the flesh around one nostril, the baby pulled it back, and tried to look into the black hole. All he saw though was a very hairy darkness.

What happened next could only occur with the cooperation of both unsuspecting parties: upon a mighty inhalation, the baby's index was sucked into Shunsui's left nasal passage.

Up and up and up the wiggling finger went.

Shunsui was awake and aware in an instant. He bolted up right and the baby rolled off his shoulder. Out went the finger. "Holy hell demons— " He clapped a large hand to his broad nose. The tickling, wiggling sensation was still present within his nose.

Something beside him giggled. Shunsui looked down at the infant and blinked. "Ichi-chan? Where'd you come from?"

He was puzzled because Ichigo and Rukia usually kept a very close eye on their son. Although, he wasn't that far from the thirteenth division. Perhaps he had just crawled away for the moment.

Shunsui looked at the baby as seriously as he could, although he did find this situation a little comical (his nose, however, did not). "Ichi-chan, where's your mother?"

The baby squealed, grabbed his feet, and rolled over laughing. Shunsui scratched his head. He coul not remember Ichigo and Rukia ever laughing so much.

"Well," he said with a shrug while snatching up his hat, "I suppose that a sense of humor is a sense of humor."


	8. Zaraki: Flying Lessons

**A/n: **Parent's don't like it when you throw their children high up into the air. My mom certainly didn't. I've gotten into the habbit of calling the baby Ichi-chan...although it is not his official name. It's more of a nickname or an endearment than anything (plus he looks like a mini Ichigo). Anyways, a HUGE thank you to Al May. Without her, I wouldn't have ever finished this drabble. R&R please!

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**Flying Lessons**

He had come in search of a good fight, and perhaps to kill Ichigo. Instead he found something even better: a little Ichigo with a mop of orange hair, who would some day wield an wild and destructive bankai. He wasn't very tall now, but someday he would be long with broad shoulders. He would be thick in the arms, and faster than hell itself.

Gazing up at Zaraki, the baby craned his neck so far back that he almost fell over. He wore a wide-eyed, uncertain expression as if he were unsure whether he should crawl away, or scream for help. The baby decided that it was best to scream and _then_ scamper away on all fours as quickly possible, perhaps due to some genetic instinct passed down from father to son.

The brat could sure as hell move, but Zaraki was bigger and stronger, and he wanted a good look at his future opponent. He took one giant step, bent over, and snag the baby by the butt of his sleeper."Come here, you," he grumbled. There was a squeak of surprise as Zaraki lifted the baby to eye-level.

"Well, aren't you cute?" Obviously, he was being sarcastic. Dangling half upside down, the baby clapped both hands over his eyes, peeking through the gaps between his fingers.

"He looks like Icchy," Yachiru said over his shoulder, and beamed. "Ichi-san and Ichi-chan!"

Big Ichigo and Little Ichigo.

Zaraki grinned at the thought of someday fighting father and son together, side by side. He was a little more than confident that the baby would grow up to be very much like his father. Although, Zaraki had heard rumors about the baby's friendliness, which was not a quality that fit into the bloodthirsty, fight loving category.

The baby grunted as if demanding to be up-righted and held properly. Through his fingers he looked at the two fiercely, as fierce as a blue-eyed infant could look. Well, at the age of nine months, there was only one way to find out just how tough a baby really was, friendly or not.

Zaraki stepped off the porch onto a square of thick green grass, and with two meaty hands, he held the baby up high off the ground. Then with one giant heave, he toss the baby up…and up….and up.

The baby spun around in a wobbling summersault ten, maybe twenty or even thirty feet above ground. He laughed on the up, and cried on the way down as the cold earth came rushing forward. Zaraki caught him, of course, with his two gargantuan hands. It was a game that he had played with Yachiru to keep her busy (she called it the Upsy-Daisy Game and was delighted to see Ichi-chan enjoying it).

Of course, now a days, most babies cried at the very sight of Zaraki, but Ichi-chan was different than both Yachiru and the common baby. He laughed in uncontrollable fits when Zaraki threw him twenty some feet in the air, and sobbed on the way down when he was realized that his little bones would be smashed the moment it collided with solid earth.

Up he went and down he came. Laughing and then sobbing.

Truth was, the brat was just fun and games until he realized that when babies go up, babies must come down. And then, as he tumbled and wiggled in midair for the third time, Zaraki heard it. He heard the horrified gasp of a protective parent.

"You bastard, what the hell are you doing to my son?" Ichigo roared. His hands were clamped behind his head, face unusually pale.

Zaraki turned around, ginning, and stuck out a hand to catch the baby as he plummeted from the sky. It was enough to give any parent a heart attack, and to be honest, that was half of the fun when playing Upsy-Daisy.

"Don't catch him like that!"

Zaraki scoffed. "You coddle him too much."

"He's a baby!"

"He's a wimp," Zaraki said bluntly. "He laughs on the way up and cries on the way down. It's pathetic."

"He's a baby, damn it," Ichigo snapped, snatching the child away. "And if you _ever_ throw my son around like that again, I'll kick your fucking ass!"

Zaraki blinked. His fingers twitched, itching to grasp the hilt of his zanpakuto. This was wonderful news: a dream-come-true of sorts. Upon some uncontrollable urge, he grabbed the baby out of his father's arms.

"Yachiru," he said, and tossed the baby into her direction. "Hold this."

Ichigo nearly exploded; Zengatsu was already drawn. "I said _don't _throw him around!"

Ichi-san and Ichi-chan.

Big Ichi and Little Ichi.

It seemed that the day that Zaraki would get to Ichigo had come sooner than anybody expected. He grinned wickedly, drawing his own zanpakuto. That brat was the best damn thing to ever happen to Kurosaki Ichigo.


	9. Yoruichi: Sensei

**A/n:** This is how we taught my sisters to crawl. It was great fun. We used everything from Ding Dong doughnuts to M&M's. This is also what happens when you raise your kid among the Gotei 13. They tend to learn things a little quicker than normal. Beware! R&R please.

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**Yoruichi-sensei**

"Little Byakuya!"

Behind the desk, he cringed. Even after all those years, the nickname still made Byakuya's blood boil. He didn't bother answering and returned his attention to the report.

The door slid open, revealing a grinning Yoruichi. Her hair was slightly out of place and there were dirt spots on her knees. She also appeared to be holding some squirming, dirty little creature under her arm.

"Guess what, Little Byakuya!" she repeated, emphasising _little_ just to annoy him.

"You're returning to the human world permanently?"

"Don't be so hopeful," Yoruichi said. "Besides, you'll never guess what I taught your nephew."

Thunder gods…

Byakuya glanced at the squirming thing under her arm, and realized that he was staring his nephew's backside; she was holding him backwards. Byakuya suddenly saw visions of all the horrible, insolent, rule-breaking tricks that Yoruichi could have taught to his young nephew.

"You're holding him wrong," he said. "If you drop him—"

"That's not important," Yoruichi said quickly. "You see, seven weeks ago I was passing through the Fourth Division when I happened to see Ichi-chan scamper by. Then suddenly, I had an epiphany: Wouldn't it be awesome if the kid could flash crawl?"

Byakuya dismissed the thought immediately. "Impossible. He's sixteen months old."

But Yoruichi wasn't listening. "It took me forever to teach him," she continued. "But let's face it— the kid's got all the right genes, plus the greatest teacher in Soul Society."

She set the baby down on the floor and held her arms out, as if to release a small wild creature. "Okay, Ichi-chan, show him what your brilliant sensei taught you!" Nothing happened. The baby just sat there staring up at Yoruichi, babbling away as if asking her a question.

Byakuya raised a thin eyebrow.

"Well, go on," Yoruichi said, picking him up and placing him into a crawling position. "Show him already."

The baby let out an objecting squeal.

Yoruichi sighed. "Of course. I forgot." Leaving the baby on the floor, she went to the other side of the room. Then, reaching inside of her pocket, she withdrew a small piece of candy. "Okay, now show him what I taught you."

Again, nothing happened. At least, not at first. The baby clapped his sticky hands together, laughed…and disappeared. There was a blur of orange, a small burst of reiatsu, and in an instant the baby was sitting in Yoruichi's lap, sucking on a piece of gooey pink candy.

Byakuya saw it three more times before he even considered it possible, and it was another four before he realized the dangers and hassle of having a flash-crawling-baby-nephew on his hands.

"You see?" said Yoruichi, beaming with pride. "He's a genius, and I am his brilliant, mastermind sensei!"

"No," Byakuya said, watching the blur of orange sweep across the room once more. "You're an instigating, troublesome—"

"Ha! Don't try to hide it, Little Byakuya. You're just upset because I taught him to flash crawl and you didn't!"

Byakuya scowled. His voice rose harshly; his temper hadn't excelled so high since his youth. "Ridiculous. I don't know how you managed to teach him Shunpo when he can't even walk, but you've just opened myriad possible dangers—" He stopped mid-sentence, frowned, and scanned the room. "Where did he go?"

Yoruichi scratched her head. A clump of soil fell onto the floor. "Well, let me tell you one more thing," she said. "Teaching him was the easy part. However, catching the little bastard was, uh…wearisome. And dirty."

Byakuya stood, knowing that he was going to find the baby himself. "This is exactly what I was referring to," he muttered.

And in a flash, he was gone.


	10. Isshin: Monkey See, Monkey Do

**A/n:**38 reviews for one chapter?! Holy thunder gods!I don't think I can live up to that expectation…anyways, sorry it's late. . This drabble is based off of a similar, uh, encounter with my cousin, in which my step father was the culprit.

**Monkey See, Monkey Do**

The trouble started, as trouble often starts with little boys, with a sliver of curiosity and a pinch of inspiration. And Isshin— in all of his grandfatherly pride— was the culprit responsible.

At that time, Rukia and Ichigo were temporarily stationed in the human world in order to watch over the Kakura Town and slay Hollows when needed. Naturally, they took Ichi-chan with them. So when the cell phone indicated a Hollow nearby, they had no choice but to leave their bouncing baby boy with good old Grandpa…whom Rukia blamed for the further tainting of her son.

In the end, Ichigo thought it was 'damn funny'.

Meanwhile, the baby had become quite a handful. Between learning to walk and his flash crawling (he hadn't yet figured out that you could flash-step too), he had also developed a habit of removing his diaper— whether or not it was clean. It was especially troublesome when he escaped and began flashing his naked bum across town, moving at an unfathomable speed.

That, however, was only the beginning.

Twenty years later, Isshin would fondly tell the story in celebration of his grandson's 'embracement of manhood.' He would tell the story of how he had discovered the baby in the hallway, and how he had been suddenly struck with a most comical epiphany.

The baby had wiggled his way out of his pants and was busy removing the sticky tabs that held his diaper together when Grandpa Isshin came around the corner. After scooping up his naked grandson and doing his usual 'I'm-so-proud-of-you-my-grandson-is-a-man' sporadic dance, he thought: Wouldn't it be hilarious if Ichi-chan could pee off the back porch?

After all, the baby was a curious little fellow, and judging from his new flash crawling abilities, he was able to learn new things quickly. "He gets it from my side of the family," Isshin boasted.

Isshin took the baby to the back porch, removed his diaper, and unzipped his own pants. After helping Ichi-chan attain balance, he then gave a skilled demonstration of how to properly pee off of a porch. It took the baby a few times, but eventually he got the idea.

So it wasn't long before Rukia's baby ran to the edge of the porch, stuck out his hips, and released a wet, yellow arch. Isshin gave him the usual praise. It was something along the lines of, "My grandson really _is_ a genius!"

Thus began the porch peeing habit.

It drove Rukia nuts especially because Ichigo would just roll his eyes and say, "At least we don't have to change diapers anymore."

But their son's potty habits had definitely gotten out of hand when they returned home to Seireitei. It happened when Rukia's beloved Nii-sama approached her one afternoon wearing a most serious expression. He handed Rukia her son, who was without coincidence, devoid of a diaper or pants. Then he straightened up rather nobly and said, "Rukia, kindly teach your son not to urinate off my engawa."

Rukia was unable to describe how she felt at that moment. Horrified? Humiliated? Enraged? Or was it a combustible mixture of all three?

With her most humble apologies, Rukia took the baby, bowed, and begged Byakuya for forgiveness. Then once the Kuchiki mansion was far enough away, Rukia returned home with Ichi-chan screaming under her arm (she had deemed that a spanking would be beneficial to his character).

Ichigo looked up from a pile of paperwork. "Why is he screaming?"

"Because he was bad and I gave him a spanking," she said coldly.

This definitely got Ichigo's attention. "You spanked him? Why?"

Rukia gave him a nasty glare. "Because _your _idiot father taught him to pee off the back porch! It's getting out of hand, Ichigo, and it's embarrassing the family."

As usual, her husband seemed to disagree. "You spanked him over _that_? Rukia, that's stupid. He's potty training."

Determined to end Ichi-chan's newly developed way answering nature's call, Rukia roughly handed the baby over to Ichigo, and stomped her foot. "Nii-sama caught him watering the sakura trees in the garden!" she said over the sobs. "It's embarrassing!"

Ichigo blinked. Then to her utter horror, he laughed, rustled his crying son's hair and said, "That's my boy."


	11. Momo: Seedy Secrets

**A/n:** Once, my little sister tried to eat popcorn through her nose...it didn't work. We also have a superstision in my family that if you sneez three times, if your ears suddenly start ringing, or if you shiver when you aren't cold, someone is either talking or thinking about you...yeah, I've got a weird family.

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**Seedy Secrets**

"No!"

Rukia frowned, holding a handful of juicy watermelon squares. The cold, sweet liquid drizzled between her fingers. "You don't want it?"

The baby crossed his arms, chin turning into his shoulder. His foot thumped against the highchair. "No!"

"But you like watermelon," said Rukia.

He turned his little nose into the air. "No!"

Rukia sighed. A few days ago, her son had learned how to say _no. _He could also say _Mom_, _Dad_, _snacks_, and Ukitake-san seemed bent teaching him _zanpakuto_. However, of all the words to learn, _no_ was the most irritating.

"No, no, no, no, no!"

"Honestly, what's gotten into you? You're being so difficult today."

"No!"

Rukia dumped the watermelon onto the tray anyways. "Just like your father," she muttered. "Always arguing with me. You would think that I had adopted you." She really did love the baby with all her heart and soul, but sometimes he went into this stubborn mood and it drove her bonkers.

Scowling, the baby picked up a watermelon square, squished it in his hand to that the tray was flooded with pink juice, and threw it across the kitchen. "No!"

Rukia's hands went to her hips. "Hey!"

That day, Ichi-chan was feeling incredibly brave. He thrust a wet finger at Rukia. "No!"

Irritated, Rukia swatted his hand away. "Do you want a spanking?" she asked dangerously.

He pounded on the tray and screamed, "No!"

Then, just when Rukia was going to call the baby by his full name, someone knocked on the door. Rukia shot the baby a warning glare. "No, messes," she said, going to the door. "Or I'll have to give you a bath!"

"No!"

There, at the door, was Hinamori. She looked concerned. "Rukia-san," she said. "Is everything alright? You missed another meeting."

The whole house shook with a half scream, half wild laugh. The splattering sound of mashed watermelon could be heard sloshing against the kitchen floor. "_Noooo_!"

Rukia sighed, closing her eyes."Yes, every thing's normal."

Another scream.

Hinamori peered around Rukia. "Is that Ichi-chan?" she asked, smiling slightly, as if the screaming was _cute. _

"Unfortunately."

"You know, you could always bring him to the meetings."

_Yeah, _Rukia wanted to say, a_nd I'd be chasing him around the conference room while everyone and laughed and said he was cute. _That was the problem with the Shinigami Women's Association. They all thought Ichi-chan was adorable_,_ heaven sent. Whether he was screaming or giggling, it really didn't matter, which made it difficult to discipline him when he needed it the most.

"Not when he's being bad."

_Crash!_

Both women exchanged glances before rushing into the kitchen. There they discovered the baby was still in his high chair, but the food tray was lying on the lying front-down on the floor. Leaning over the side, the baby looked up at his mother, then at Momo, and then back at the tray.

He reached up and rubbed his nose. "Oops."

"Oops?" Rukia repeated. "Did Ukitake-san teach you that too?"

Hinamori looked delighted. "He can talk now? Oh, you're getting so big, Ichi-chan."

"No!" The baby rubbed his nose again. He scrunched his face into an odd, disgruntled expression and snorted, still rubbing his nose.

"What's with that face?" Rukia asked. "Did you stick something up your nose? Please tell me you didn't put something up there again." Several weeks ago, the baby had decided that his finger just wasn't good enough and stuffed a large chunk of cucumber up his left nostril. In a panic, Rukia had rushed him to the Fourth Division, where it took all of Captain Unohana's gentle skill to get it out.

"No!"

"You _did_ put something up there!" She could tell by the way he kept snorting and scrunching up his face. "Ichi-chan!"

"Wait," said Hinamori. She reached inside of her robes and took out a small white hankie. "If it's just a little watermelon, it's easy to get out." Then she pinched one nostril and held the hankie over the baby's nose. "Okay, just blow."

He tried to wiggle out of her grasp.

"Go on, blow, Ichi-chan."

Rukia folded her arms. She stomped her foot. "Ichi-chan!"

Then, with one hard blow, Ichi-chan exhaled. At first nothing happened; his face just turned red. Then there was a weird snorting and finally, he could breath through his left nostril again. "See?" said Hinamori, holding out the hankie. "It was just a seed."

And sure enough, there, among a glob of clear slime was a sliver of black entangled in a pinkish sinew, like a crusty old buger.

"How did you know that it was a seed?" Rukia asked, relieved that they wouldn't have to endure another screaming match at the Fourth Division.

Hinamori smirked. She glanced over her shoulder, as if to make sure that no one was listening, before saying in a low whisper, "Don't tell anyone, but when Shiro-chan and I were little, he was in a similar situation. This was how Granny dealt with it."

Rukia blinked. "How'd that happen?"

"It's a long story, but I have to go back to my squad. Maybe later?"

"O-okay."

**# # #**

Somewhere in the Tenth Division, Captains Hitsugaya dropped his pen as a fit of sudden, unexplained sneezes overcame him.

Matsumoto looked up from her paperwork. "Oh!" she cried. "You sneezed three times! You know that means, don't you?"

He glanced at her skeptically. "What?"

"It means, that _someone_ is talking about you," she said in a matter-of-fact way.

"Don't you have work to do?" he snapped, and pinched his nose. The inside of his nasal canals felt tingly and strange, as if to forehadow another sneeze.

It never came.

He rolled his eyes and picked up the pen. Honestly, of all the superstitious nonsense.


	12. Hisagi: Girl Bait

**A/N:** Ah, the spiling of small children. One of my favorite hobbies, although I'm not as, uh, irrisponsible as some people. Anyways, I have revised and revised and revised this drabble. It's time to just sit back and call it good. R&R please.

* * *

**Girl Bait**

While passing Division Thirteen, Hisagi happened upon the greatest opportunity of his afterlife. He was walking through the courtyard when he heard a giggle. Looking down, he discovered the baby digging in the flowerbeds.

Hisagi grinned, knowing that no woman could resist the charm of a bright eyed, cheerful baby and his devilishly handsome uncle. So Hisagi did what any slightly perverted Vice Captain would do and snatched the child out of the dirt. Then he turned and shouted to Ichigo, "Hey, Kurosaki! I'm borrowing your son for a minuet!"

Kidnapping was more like it, but Hisagi wasn't going to stick around for parental protesting. He flash-stepped in the opposite direction and _happened _to pass through Division Ten. Balancing the baby on his shoulders, Hisagi slowed his pace. It worked until the child realized how high up he was. Feeling a sudden unease, he clutched fist-fulls of Hisagi's hair, and clung to the Vice Captain's scalp like some scared little monkey.

"Ow, ow, ow," Hisagi cursed, trying to pry his hair out of the baby's fingers. The child squealed nervously and clung tighter. "I'm not going to drop you, damn it, just let go!"

As pried himself free, someone behind him gasped. "Ichi-chan!" cried Matsumoto, assets and all. "What are you doing here?"

Aching scalp forgotten, Hisagi straightened up. "You know," he said calmly. "We're just hanging out."

He could tell that Matsumoto was dying to hold the baby. So he held the child out and she eagerly scooped him up, saying cheerfully, "Oh, you're so cute!" Then she whirled around to face Hisagi. "You know what this means don't you?"

_You'll go on a date with me? _

"No," he said. "What?"

"Well if you're an uncle and I'm an auntie, then that means we must spoil him _rotten!" _

Hisagi eagerly agreed. Almost every seated officer in the Gotei 13 considered themselves an auntie or an unlce to Little Kurosaki. Everyone kept an eye out for him. Everyone contributed. Everyone had something to teach, both good things and bad things. Plus, a was a date, even when an unnoficial one in which they spoiled Ichi-chan rotten. Horribly, utterly rotten. And what better place to start than with a frozen treat?

"All babies love ice cream," Matsumoto said, after ordering a ridiculously large bowl of strawberry ice cream. The tower of pink leaned uneasily to the side.

"Can he even eat all of that?" Hisagi said dubiously.

Matsumoto handed him a spoon. She laughed. "We'll have to help him, of course."

While eating, Hisagi watched enviously as Matsumoto spoon-fed the baby. The lucky little bastard didn't even know the value of being fed by a goddess. Matsumoto took a spoonful, and then paused. "What do you say?"

The baby answered, "Peas?"

Matsumoto smiled before correcting him, "Say, I _love _you, Rangiku."

"Peas?" The baby reached for the spoon.

_I could say it,_ Hisagi said silently before adding, _if__ she asked. _"You're teaching him to be a kiss up," he said after the baby became fed up with the game and seized the spoon to feed himself.

Matsumoto's eyes twinkled as she laughed and winked.

After ice cream, Matsumoto deemed it was time for toys. They visited a local toyshop where she debated over purchasing the stuffed doggy or the dinosaur plushy. When asked for his opionion, Hisagi shrugged. "Buy them both."

Matsumoto punched his shoulder and beamed. "Of course! We're spoiling him rotten. My, you _are _getting the hang of this!" As they stood in line, Matsumto reached over and plunked a stuffed bunny from the bin of toys.

"What's that for?"

"Rukia's gonna pretty upset when she finds out how we spoiled her son," she said. "We'll buy her off with this." If Hisagi had known what sort of trouble they would get into afterwards, he would have insisted upon a larger, fluffier bunny.

Then, when Matsumoto noticed how dirty the baby was, they bought him a new shirt. One shirt turned into three shirts, which became an additional two pairs of paints, some socks, and cheap sunglasses.

But the real mischief began with lunch at a local bar.

The server offered them a glass of wine, which Matsumoto eagerly ordered and Hisagi had a glass too. Then one glass became into two glasses. Two turned into four. Four glasses became seven. Then Kira joined their hearty celebration and seven glasses somehow turned into an entire flask, which quickly became two and a half flasks.

Meanwhile, they poured the baby glasses and glasses of apple juice. They laughed because they knew how juice went through a baby's system, and because they knew that Rukia would have to change the diapers.

They laughed at Ichi-chan's delighted smile when they fed him chocolate pie, at how he would always say _peas _instead of _please_, and they laughed at his disgusted scowl when Kira gave him a small sip of sake.

"Anyone got a magic marker?" Hisagi said suddenly. Someone asked why and Hisagi chuckled. He swayed in his seat. "'Cause I wanna put a 69 on his face."

His friends snickered at the idea.

Matsumto shoved a pencil into his hands. "Here." She hiccuped. "I got eyeliner."

The pencil wobbled as Hisagi traced the 69 on the baby's forehead, but he would never be able to recall if it was because of the wine or because of his own silly hysterics.

"She's gonna kill us," Kira laughed.

"That's the half the fun," Matsumoto laughed.

They laughed and laughed and laughed until all three were on the floor, doubled over from the hilarity of silly details. Yes, it _was_ irresponsible. It _was_ immature. But thunder gods, it was _so_ much fun.

At some point, Hisagi gave up trying to stand and laid down on the bar floor. He woke up a little later, still a bit fuzzy, and found Kira at sprawled at his feet. Matsumoto wasn't far away either. She had Ichi-chan curled up in her arms, covered in apple juice and the remains of chocolate pie. The crude 69 on his forehead stood out boldly.

The numbers seemed to be mocking him.

Hisagi laughed at the irony. Ichi-chan refused to say the words Matsumoto wanted when Hisagi knew that _he_ could, but all he got was poor Kira lying at his feet. Sitting up, he glanced at the bunny perched among empty cups and flasks. They were so screwed.

And Hisagi laughed at the irony of that too.


	13. Hitsuguya: Adjectives

**A/n: **Sorry about the fake update last week...I accidentally deleted a chapter and had to reload. Talk a bout a near heart attack! In case you don't get the setting Matsumoto on fire thing, Hitstugaya's zanpakuto is ice and fire is it's natural enemy. So in his mind it's the worst punishment he can think of. Anyways, I owe a **HUGE** thank you to Al May, who once again pulled me out of the word mud when I needed it most.

* * *

**Adjectives**

"Matsumoto?"

Overall, Hitsugaya considered himself a good person. He did his best uphold the law, he kept a watchful eye on his friends, and he always put the safety of his subordinates first. That had to count for something, right?

"MATSUMOTO!"

But seriously, sometimes he just wanted to round up his Lieutenant, grab a torch, dump some lighter fluid down the front of her robes, and watch smugly as she flailed about, attempting to douse her blazing bosom. Yet— no matter how much he thought about it— he would never actually set Matsumoto aflame, despite how irritating her procrastination methods were.

"C-Captain," she stammered, almost dropping the child. "What are you doing back so early?"

Although sometimes…

Scowling, Hitsugaya shot her a threatening glance. "What kind of question is that?" he demanded, then thrust a finger at the tower of neglected paperwork. "I gave you _work _to do."

"Oh, well you see Rukia—"

"I honestly doubt that she asked you to baby-sit," he interrupted. "Especially after the last incident."

"But Captain—"

"Just give me the baby, Matsumoto."

"Why?"

"Because I'm taking him back to the Thirteenth. He's their responsibility, not ours."

Matsumoto tried to assure him that she could do it herself, no questions. It'll be no problem at all, Captain. Really, none at all. Yeah, right. He knew Matsumoto too well; she was always using the Kurosaki baby as an excuse to get out of work, especially if it involved chores or paperwork; and she would do anything to get out of paperwork. It just proved if Hitsugaya wanted something done on time, he would have to do it himself.

Rolling his eyes, he removed the baby from Matsumoto's arms. "Yeah, right," he grumbled. "You'll take too long."

Once outside, Hitsugaya set the baby down. He was too big, too awkward to carry very far, and he wiggled far too much. As they walked, the baby clung to his haori. He was an incredibly talkative little thing, almost annoyingly so. Occasionally he would tug on the white seam, pointing and naming trivial things.

"Gas."

"It's pronounced _grass_."

"Geen."

"G_reen_."

The child suddenly stopped, bent over, and picked up two stones of varying size. He held them up. "Wocks."

"What about them?"

The child shrugged. "They wocks." Then, as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world, he pointed to each stone and explained, "Big wock, little wock."

"Whatever."

They took a shortcut through the courtyard, cutting behind Divisions Eleven and Twelve. A few moments passed before the Kurosaki baby tugged on his haori. "Hey, you!"

Great, not only did the brat reek of reiatsu, he also lacked a sense of proper designation. Just like his father. "Don't you know anything?" he asked. "Call me Captain, not Hey You— not Hitsugaya-kun, not Toshiro, and _especially_ not Shiro-chan. Just Captain."

The baby pointed to his haori. "That white."

Hitsugaya felt the blood start to throb at the corner of his hairline. "It's a Captain's haori," he said. "I am a Captain. Cap-tan." He felt a stupid talking to the baby, but he would sooner be struck by lightning than have _another_ person call him anything other than his proper title.

They veered around a sharp corner. The child bobbed his head, repeating Cap-tan several times, emphasizing the _cap_ and adding _tan _with a little pop, hopping once in the air for every syllable. _Cap-ah-tan!_

Hitsugaya sighed. He supposed that it was better to start somewhere than nowhere. "Yeah, good enough."

At last, they reached Division Thirteen, and it was not long before he spotted Ukitake, sipping tea on the engawa outside his office. Rukia was with him, sitting on her heels, discussing this and that. Good. That would save him time.

"We've talked about having another," Rukia was saying, cheeks flushed. "But— oh, Ichi-chan!" She set the cup down as the child toddled over to her. "What are you doing here? Did you run off again?"

"Matsumoto had him," said Hitsugaya.

Rukia's eyes widened and narrowed. "Again? You know, sometimes I want just to—"

"Light her on fire?" Hitsugaya offered.

"Now," said Ukitake. "I'm sure her heart is in the right place."

Ha. That was a laugh.

"Yeah, when it isn't bent corrupting my son," muttered Rukia.

"And neglecting her duties." Then, before Ukitake could shower him with packages of fruity sweets, Hitsugaya added, "I should be getting back."

However, as he turned to leave, the baby tugged on his mother's sleeve. "They Captans, Mom," he whispered. "Cap-ah-tan."

"Yes, I see," she replied.

Then, as if driven by the need to elaborate further on the topic, the child said something that made Ukitake smile and made Hitsugaya grimace. Indicating both, he pointed and explained, "Big Captan, little Captan."

Shiro-san and Shiro-chan.

Ukitake smiled, delighted at the baby's newfound voice, while Hitsugaya felt the blood start to throb at the corner of his hairline. His eyebrows scrunched together so closely that they almost touched. Seriously, little Captain? _Little _Captain? What _was _Matsumoto teaching that child?

"Ichi-chan," said Rukia, "Don't point. It's rude." With a sigh, she stood up and announced that they should probably be going. It was almost noon and if Ichi-chan went without a nap, he would get cranky. Perhaps they could continue the conversation later.

As they left, the child pointed out and named various mundane objects. Ukitake continued to smile and Hitsugaya continued to scowl. A moment of silence passed. Then Shiro-san turned to Shiro-chan and said, "So, how about a snack?"


	14. Komamura: Oh, For The Love of Fur!

**A/n:** So terribly sorry for the hiatus. I have no excuse. It happens. This April I'm working on a graphic novel called, "Bachi." I kept promising myself that if I completed 50 script pages, I could post the infamous Komamura drabble that I have been trying to write for _years_. So, in celebration of my 50th page, here it is! Also, I know I kept saying "at the end, we'll know his name...," but I changed my mind. Thank you for your patience!

* * *

**Oh, For the Love of Fur!**

Since joining the Gotei 13, Kurosaki Ichigo could hardly find a day off. Between chasing after his flash-crawling son, and helping run an entire Division he could definitely say that he had his hands full. To cope, he took short walks to get away from his thoughts. It was during one of these walks that Ichigo reached on of the most horrifying conclusions of his afterlife.

The discovery began when Ichigo happened to pass by the cemetery, where he noticed Captain Komamura combing the headstones. His ears lay flat against his skull, paws clenched as he bent over, searching the burial grounds.

"Loose something?" Ichigo asked.

"No," he growled.

"Then what are you doing?"

He gave Ichigo a narrow look. His ear twitched. "I am being stalked."

"Stalked?"

"Yes." Komamura gave him another look, as if the trouble was Ichigo's fault. "It's been following me ever since I passed _your_ Division."

Ichigo frowned. That was weird. He couldn't sense any Hollows nearby, but then again, he sucked at sensing energy.

"Why would—"

Suddenly, a row of nearby bushes shudders.

"Quiet," Komamura whispered. "It comes."

Ichigo's hand dropped to Zengatsu's hilt. "Is it dangerous?" he whispered back as the bushes fell silent.

Then— and Ichigo could have smacked himself for this—the bushes _giggled_. The leaves shuddered again and there was an orange flash. A child appeared at Komamaru's feet.

"Hardly," replied Komamura while the boy tugged on the hem of his haori.

Ichigo wanted to kick himself. He had expected something stealthy, mean and flesh-eating to jump out of those bushes. Not his harmless toddling son_. _"Yuuichi? You stinker, your mother's probably worried sick!" He scowled. "The last time I ever buy a house with paper walls…"

But the child wasn't listening. He stood clutching the captain's hoari, staring up at Komamura with a look of pure and utter worship. Ichigo could almost see the stars in his eyes.

"Kurosaki," the captain said with a patient sigh. He laid a paw tenderly between his ears where a swollen bump pushed up against russet fur. "Please take your son home. I am afraid if that if I continue to trip, we will have a squished child on our hands."

"Sorry," he said, picking up the child. He had to resist the urge to ask his son what sound the doggy made. In fact, he'd bet an entire month's salary on whose division his boy would join in the years to come. "I can't promise it won't happen again. You know kids." _And canines, _he added silently.

"Kids," Komamura agreed.

"See you around."

When they were a few blocks away, Ichigo set his son down. Ichigo was hardly surprised. Call him crazy, but he had this theory about Ichi-chan's obsession for all critters cute and furry. It had to be a gene of some sort, some kind of weird twisted DNA thingy and it was all Rukia's fault. Well, her and that ridiculous Chappy. The fact was, the boy adored Yoruichi. He groveled before Komamura. His bedroom was overpopulated with shelves, nets, and _mountains _of fluffy stuffed animals. It was out of control; Ichi-chan's puppy collection could easily rival Rukia's bunny shrine—and that wasn't even including the boxes Ichigo had stashed in the attic.

"Hey, now," he said, grabbing the child's hand before it could vanish. "No more of that."

"Dad," Ichi-chan said, twisting around to Komamarua's direction. "There's a _really _big dog."

"His name is—hey! I'm talking to you." He flicked the boy's ear lightly. "You can't keep running off like that. It's dangerous."

"Ow!" The boy glared, holding his ear. He lifted a small hand and swatted Ichigo's shoulder.

Ichigo scoffed. "Please, that was weak." He ruffled the boy's hair roughly. "You've got a better punch than that."

POW!

It wasn't a wounding strike, having little fists and all, but the blow to his stomach was enough to make Ichigo double over gasping for air. The day his son learned to fight back. He should be so proud. And he was. But as Ichigo clutched his stomach, chocking on his breath— more out of shock than anything— a dreadful spell of déjà vou fell upon him.

Oh, holy and mighty thunder gods: not this. They were so not starting this. Anything but _this!_

_I sound like my father_, he thought a pang of cold horror_. _The one thing he had promised he would never do with his children, and there he was, initiating fights. Ichigo hung his head. Now, after all those years of brawling with his own pop, Ichigo finally understood. Crap. He felt so _old. _


End file.
